Quite truly, this is going to be the hardest blog for me to share in public and quite arguably, this might be one of the most important blogs for me to share in public!! Well, before I do, Pray with me?? Lord Jesus, please let the words of this testimony reach those that like me, need to know that you must be the only source of love! Lord, help us to know that with all the control in our lives out of our hands and into your hands, we can walk in the joy of the redeemed! May the words be yours and may they be a blessing!!
I truly cannot express fully how much pain I was going through during my Freshman year in college! However, I remember so many different instances of feeling so completely rejected by people. Of all people and of all places, I thought college would be the place and its people the people that would accept me!! Now, we already discussed that one should only look to God for acceptance, but I had been outsourcing! Yes, I definitely had been hoping that PLNU, like a giant big family of acceptance would fill the void that only God can fill! When I posted the lyrics from Fireflight, I wanted to express to all of you that I truly felt as the lyrics described, "If you leave me, I will die" !! all of us need to understand that where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. Therefore, if your treasure is with any part of this world and its false promises, you might end up with a broken hope, a broken dream and a broken heart. Let me explain??? I really thought I had out sourced to some pretty worth while things...Let's review, shall we?? Where had I outsourced? Well, for one, Disney dreams and magical fairytales! One cannot go wrong with the magic kingdom...right?? Wrong! One cannot go wrong with God's Kingdom! Well, fairy tales are not real and no they didn't fill anything...they failed!! Jesus, your rightful king will never fail you!! Then, I turned to Friends. What's wrong with having a few friends??? Nothing, but friends will not fill anything for me or for you!! Only Jesus is meant to fill us to overflowing! Yes, what a friend we have in Jesus!! What a privilege to take everything to God in prayer..all our griefs and burdens to bear...!! What a friend we have in Jesus!! Being friends with the world will throw you rejection every time!! Friends fail!! The World fails!! But the word of the Lord lasts forever and His Love endures forever!! Next, I turned to an institution that seemed to promise safety and love. I looked forward with great expectation to a Christian college, where I hoped I would fit in; I was banking on fitting in there completely! What's wrong with expecting acceptance when you are a Christian from other Christians??? Maybe we should ask the many in the world that cite Christians as the reason they no longer attend church!! Never, Never ever entice others to attend "church" based on human acceptance or on happy endings!! A Church organization, though very wonderful and sometimes a great conduit to shout out Life saving news to the world, is not the answer!! Yes, we want to attend church for many reasons, but never to find true acceptance!! Only Jesus accepts us and creatively redeems us daily by His perfection and righteousness, by His blood shed upon that cross. By His wounds we are healed!! Yes, the People in a church will fail, but the message given in Creedal and doctrinally rich churches is life saving and a great reason to stay in fellowship at a church. Although some of the things I turned to were not bad things, they were not the source of joy and acceptance that I needed. Therefore, as the shadows failed to bring me true light, I began to lose hope and purpose!! I knew that God never promised us a life without pain; God has promised us eternity with no more tears! Without understanding how to stand in the rain, or with out understanding how to let God's love pacify pain, I felt the pain intensely and had no hope of its end. All the things to which I had turned, through lies of the world, had failed to end the pain of rejection! Finally, as I was faced with more rejection..most of which I will not publicly describe on this blog, I finally turned to Christ!! Finally, the one true friend that had been there for me when I was 9, when I was 13, when I was 16, and now, at the age of 19, was the one to whom I was turning!! Did you know that Christ rescued me just in time?? Right before I was about to dive deep into a dangerous cycle, God intervened!! Allow me to now tell you what danger that was?? Completely bewildered and frightened, I was feeling so out of control and angry at all the things I was sure would bring acceptance my way but didn't! Tragically, when those things failed me, and when there was another dead end with no direction, I actually became anorexic!! Yes, it's true!! As most Freshmen in my dorm gained the famous, "freshmen 15" I lost 15 pounds I could not afford to lose. I remember so clearly the point where this eating disorder took a really nasty turn and began to completely control me!! Sadly, rejection can make you feel as though you are the problem!! Yes, if Jennifer were prettier, or skinnier, then maybe she'd be accepted!! So not true, as we do not need to change ourselves to please any person because God is pleased with His creation and He created you!! God doesn't make junk!~! Another reason anorexia began to attack my life, has to do with a need to control the things in life that I could not control! When everything seems out of control, and the pain of rejection seems to be your lot, and when you realize that you cannot fix things on your own, you begin to control anything that you can! Well, even though I was raised in the church and even though God had never abandoned me, I didn't know how much He accepted me exactly as I was, as Jennifer! If any of you out there are struggling with this right now, please e-mail me and maybe we can chat! God is there for you and will deliver you if you'll let Him! He lives! Yes, your Savior Lives and cares and He came to rescue you! Truly, I thought if I could control my eating, and maybe my physical appearance, then maybe I would be accepted?? Well, of course trying to control this area of my life backfired big time!! As I began to experience momentary control over something, the tables quickly turned! Even though I knew I couldn't break free of the hold Anorexia had on me, I also knew that I felt like there no way to stop it and to be honest, there was not a really good reason why I should. Part of me wanted to die! Where was my hope? Where would the pain end! I wanted God, and I knew He was real, but I hadn't been practicing reaching out to Him had I? As a result, I didn't know His embrace!! Friends if you are experiencing pain of any kind and it doesn't feel like God is doing anything about it or that He can, stop right now and ask Him for a hug! Close your eyes and give him your pain and trust that He does want to heal it!! God's mercies never fail and they are new every morning for great is His faithfulness...! If not for remembering His words..His wonderful words of life, words found in the Bible, assigned to me to read in my New Testament class, I might not have had victory! God's words never return to Him void!! Can I just say that if you are a professor at a Christian institution, be proud of the Words of God you assign your students to read!! Here I was, a student at PLNU in a New Testament class! To all the world, I seemed just fine, while inside, I wanted to die for I had lost hope. Yes, here was Jennifer, who always did her homework, and because of a Christian institution that requires Bible classes, that homework helped save me in my despair. Those Wonderful Words of God saved my life!! Well, I know I would not have had victory without Jesus! In fact, I was reading in Corinthians that my body is not my own and that I was bought at a price, and how I therefore needed to honor God with my body..!! Well, there was my reason to not control my eating...!! Along with reading that the God of all comfort is able to fully comfort us as there is nothing He did not suffer, and how God was calling us to honor Him with our body, I decided to ask God for help!! I cried out to Jesus, just like in the lyrics to Fireflight...!! Come close Father!! Yet, if you leave me I will die!! Praise His holy name His Spirit beckoned me to the right source, the only source that would not fail!! Please listen to the words of this Brit Nicole song, and then continue to read how the Lord's light brought real truth into my life.
Please listen to this song and be encouraged that God never fails and control will only destroy you while it remains in your hands...!! When your life is in His hands you begin to love him truly!!
Are you trying to control something in your life?? Do you know why you are doing that?? Friends, we control because we truly think we have to in order to have peace or to make pain cease..!! We've stopped believing that God will fix it or that He is our healer. Do not be deceived...!! God is your peace..He demolished the dividing wall of hostility and His perfect peace can fill your soul right now and protect your unsettled heart! Give Him your heart, it's safe in His hands..!! Your Lord will never harm you and He will never be unfaithful to you...and He will never disappoint you! Your God will turn every instance of rejection into the redemption He planned for you from the Beginning! Let Him turn your sorrow into the joy of the redeemed!! In the next blog, we will hear how my surrendered heart heard God's voice calling in the night, in the rain to take His words to the ends of the earth! Please read on and please rely on God's words alone to guide you through a dark world!!
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